Top 5 Celebrity Bang List

Figured it was logical to follow the Basic Instinct Theory with my Top Five Celebrity Bang List. If you want to skip my jabber jawing, scroll down for pictures of sexy bitches in bikinis.

There are plenty of hot celebrities out there. Shit, that’s why most of them are famous – they blow bubbles in our sex sodas. I don’t see any reason to put anyone on TV or in a movie that isn’t bangable. Films are unrealistic anyways, why not give us something to masturbate to in case the interweb is down. If a porker is necessary for a role, fill the part with a hot chick wearing a shirt that says, "No Fat Chicks." We'll get the idea, and greatly appreciate the courtesy.

Women wonder why we fuck anything that moves. It's because we are simple people that get confused by the onslaught of sex out there. It's easy for the regular man to be overwhelmed by the relentless sex appeal thrust upon us by the fairer sex. So our response is to get drunk and fuck whatever comes to us. The case is even more apparent when the entire talent pool of famous people is highly doable. Because I'm such a generous human being, I decided I would simplify things with a Top Five Celebrity Bang List that everyone can agree on.

The list is similar to the freebie list created on Friends. For those unfamiliar, each Friend made a list of five celebrities they could bang without any repercussions from their significant other. It would be exactly the same concept of my bang list, except 1) there won't be anything weird like Ross's Dorothy Hammill fetish on my list , 2) I don’t have a girlfriend, so it's a list of the top five women that qualify under the Basic Instinct Theory, and 3) if I had the chance to bang any celebrity, I would, regardless of relationship status. It’d be hilarious to tell people I fucked Joy Behar. Can we make that a relationship status on Facebook?

My bang list has four general criteria that need to be met before admittance. First, the chick has to pass the Basic Instinct Theory. You need to be willing to trade a gruesome, closed casket death for two years of epic, orgasmic sex with the chick. She's gotta drape that lethal hotness all over your manhood.

Second, they have to be attractive in the present day. No Meg Ryan circa 1986. I don’t have a time machine, and you open a Pandora’s Box of women if you decide to make every celebrity of all time fair game. Makes it harder to compare, and it's probably impossible to decide on the five hottest women of all time.

FYI - Meg Ryan wouldn’t have been on mine in 1986, I just needed an old washed up actress and for whatever reason she popped into my head. I can’t stand that hairy cunt. Better example – My Cousin Vinny Marisa Tomei, not The Wrestler Marisa Tomei. She’s still smokin, but not violent homicide smokin.  

Third, they have to be consistently attractive. The chick can't be that girl that looks amazing the first time you see her, but the more and more you interact with her, the less attractive she becomes. We aren't talking about marriage here, just chicks we want to nail. No need to eat expired, over cooked meat when there's fresh, pink meat still available.

Elisha Cuthbert had this effect on me. When I first saw her on 24, and then in The Girl Next Door, I was blown away. I had high aspirations for her level of hotness and, I guess, her career. But as time has passed, her looks didn't improve and now she's a part time actress and full time NHL groupie. Talk about a career spiralling out of control.

My final rule is that their celebrity cannot be solely based upon a modeling career. Models have slammin bodies and are undoubtedly attractive, but there are millions of them. Their celebrity fades with their looks. And as we know, women's bodies begin to decline at the age of 18. Once they begin to even slightly resemble an old catcher's mitt, they fall off the radar faster than a fat guy runs out of breath on the way to the fridge. You can't expect much more when you can't do anything beyond lookin good on camera and acting like a spoiled cunt.

Part of the post sexual joy in bangin famous chicks is the ability to say “Hey dude, I nailed Denise Richards.” If you sub Audrina Patrdige for Denise Richards in that sentence, most guys won’t know who the fuck that is until they have a chance to Google her (and then google themselves - she's Grade A meat).

With those four stipulations in mind, here’s my list, in no specific order. I'll keep it short, I know the pictures will be distracting.

I...

1. Kate Beckinsale

Other than her British heritage, this woman has no faults. She's drop dead gorgeous, attended Oxford (but didn't graduate), wears spandex in movies for horny nerds such as Underworld, stands by her convictions, and is a good mother. She has a girl next door quality to her, but you also get the feeling she has a collection of double edged dildos. Wishful thinking, but Europe does lead the way in sexual exploration. So where the hell is her nude scene?!?!?!

Apparently, she's very self conscious. Specifically when it comes to her sweet ass. She thinks its too big. Where the hell has she been the last 15 years? If rap has taught us anything, it's that it's okay to refer to women as bitches, and that a phat ass is a sexy ass. Padunka dunk. Cushion for the pushion. I thought this was common knowledge by now.

Not to worry America - she ignores her surprisingly low self esteem and embraces her European sexuality here.

To put it simply, she just looks good, and probably will for a while. She's 36 and still hot as ever. That meat won't spoil. Preservation courtesy of plastic surgery? I don't know about you, but I could go for some Diet Coke right now.

...Want...

2. Jessica Biel

Thank god Mary Camden was able to escape that hellhole of a religious household (My second favorite part of that pic is the Rae Caruth story in the upper right corner). I can't believe Biel is only 28. I feel like I've known her my entire life. I first saw Summer Catch when I was in middle school, rewatched some of it the other day, and damn if I didn't cum in my pants when I saw her in that pink bikini. Eight years later, she stars in Powder Blue as a coked up stripper. It's a fairytale ending for anyone my age. You grow up hoping to see her cans, but seriously doubt the possibility. Then Moses parts the sea and God said let my children see those magnificant boobies.

She looked like a natural on that pole, too, before she ruined it by pouring wax all over herself, having a mental breakdown on stage, and being rejected by Ray Liotta. I fuckin hate that douchebag.

Something you won't find on her IMDB page is that she's achieved the highly sought after position of being my desktop background.

This pic with Derek Jeter bothers me, but she's willing to flaunt her gifts, so I can forgive. The things I would eat out of her ass...

...To Fuck...

3. Megan Fox

I hesitate to add her to the bang list because she is more of a model-made-actress than straight actress, and gives off the vibe of being a laissez-faire super cunt that won't go down on you because it's "degrading." Whatever - she embodies the idea of lethal hot. I get a Sharon Stone Basic Instinct vibe from her. I think it's the lips. Their lips are similar. But we won't know how similar their lips really are until Fox does the world a favor and spreads her legs for us. Come on Basic Instinct 3!

She's only 23, too. Hasn't had much of a career yet. Assuming she gets roles beyond shitty Transformers movies, she'll continue to be high on this list, as well as others, for years to come. She's #2 right now on Maxim's Hot 100. She may be a terrible actress, but that ass is too sweet not to put on the largest screen known to man.

Weird fact: even though she's a knockout, she has serious self esteem issues. That could mean two things; either it's the age old bullshit line women feed to men to receive more compliments or she actually is one of those girls with low self esteem and the every man has a decent chance at sneakin into her vag. That would explain her relationship with Brian Austen Green. How long's it been since you've heard that name? Either way, my assumption of her no-blowjob policy is wrong (but she probably won't swallow).

...These...

4. Jessica Alba

Another stunner. No list is complete without Alba. Since she burst on the scene with Dark Angel, her honey flavored ass has tantalized man everywhere. I applaud Hollywood for typecasting her in the role of scantily clad hot girl in movies like Sin City and Into the Blue. But who's brilliant fuckin idea was it to cast her as the Invisible Woman in Fantastic Four?

If we're forced to watch a shitty superhero movie to get a glimpse of that sweet ass, don't think for a fuckin second it's acceptable to make Alba disappear from our sight, and don't you dare tease us with her potential nudity. I don't give a shit if you're implying Sue Storm is naked. It has nothing to do with the plot. If you have no intention of actually showing the nudity, don't waste valuable seconds that could be used to show Alba in spandex. Would you show a dog a bone and then put it away where he can't get to it? Do you only masturbate until halftime and then quit? Only if you're a contrived, egotistical, douchebag of a human being. As you can tell, I'm very frustrated she hasn't done a nude scene.

(Have you ever noticed the the poor quality of the photoshoped "nude" celeb pics? Their skin changes colors, the boobs are different sizes, and the nipples change shapes in each one. I don't see how anyone above the age of 14 could beat off to that. It's just bad porno).

On a less agitated note, Alba may not only be lethal hot, but lethal in general. She's been prone to sicknesses since she was a child. A collapsed lung, pneumonia, a ruptured appendix, a tonsillar cyst, OCD, asthma. I'm no doctor, but I'd guess she's the carrier of at least one terminal illness. Don't knock her up either, unless you want a bubble boy for a child.

...Bitches

5. Olivia Wilde (real name Olivia Cockburn)

Wilde flies under the radar compared to the other four on the list. Her biggest movie role so far was in Year One, but has also appeared in Alpha Dog and Turistas. She'll also be the reason I see Tron Legacy. But the place I grew acquainted with her was on The OC, where she starred as an extremely sexy, feisty bisexual chick who managed to bag Mischa Barton. And now she plays a lesbian doctor on House. Now that's some hot scissor action.

She has a mysterious beauty to her that I can't explain. It's simple but sexy. Makes me want to fuck her till her vocal chords are torn (from screaming, not face fucking). Earns bonus points for being legitimately Irish., too, not one of those assholes that slaps on the Irish memorabilia once a year even though they know jack shit about the holiday. Gotta be able to throw back some booze. Maybe that's why she was able to beat out Fox for #1 on the Hot 100. Fox doesn't look like a drinker.

Wilde was probably a shocker compared to the rest of the bang list.  In your mind, the spot may be better occupied by Halle Berry, Denise Richards, or Jennifer Love Hewitt. But sometimes you gotta throw the shocker. I've grown tired of those three. They don't have the lethal sex appeal they once showered over us like R. Kelly's piss on a girl scout.

It's been nine years since Berry showed the world her tits. She's 43 now and has reduced her acting roles.

Richards is still Basic Instinct hot, purely because at her peak she was so fuckin smokin. It takes years to decline from such a high level. She was the Sharon Stone of the late 90's, but she's almost 40 now and looks like a Barbie doll from all the plastic surgery. I think Megan Fox has taken her place as the ridiculously hot, wouldn't be in movies if she wasn't a dime celebrity.

Hewitt still looks good, but her tits are sagging almost as much as her career. She's been reduced to a shitty TV role on the Ghost Whisperer, and her IMDB page claims a cameo in Tropic Thunder. If she was still lethal hot, wouldn't I remember her part in the movie?

Final tally for the Top Five Celeb Bang List:

Five white chicks, two topless scenes, two Europeans, one potential lesbian, at least two with low self esteem, and one a possible walking disease. That's a sexual death squad Hitler would be proud of. How fast do you think you'd cum in your pants if all five approached you to be part of an unbelievable, heavenly lethal orgy that you would get to film to show the entire world your conquest? Ten seconds?

The Basic Instinct Theory

Check out that tit grab

Basic Instinct is one of the more popular guy movies of all time. If there were a Mount Rushmore for movies that men prefer to beat off to, Basic Instinct would be George Washington. Although it can't swing it's metaphorical dick with the likes fo the Godfather and Apocalypse Now, the movie pioneered the inclusion of softcore porn into a mainstream film.

It's your typical psychological thriller that has you continuously asking "What the hell is going on?" more often than any character or plot development actually takes place. The story fits the mold of a Lifetime movie you'd accidentally watch because you're too hungover to change the channel and the chicks are hot enough to pass for mindless entertainment. But instead of trying to figure out what the fuck is happening right now, we keep asking ourselves "WHEN THE HELL IS SHARON STONE GETTIN NAKED AGAIN?"

The movie is watchable time and time again because of the excessive female nudity and high number of graphic sex scenes that rival HBO programming seen at three in the morning. You know, that kind you used to rub out the silliness to before you were old enough for your parents to leave you the hell alone to masterbate in peace. Maybe if Lifetime offered up movies with some nudity and graphic sex to go along with all that rape and molestation they'd be more than a forgotten cable channel. It may surprise you, but most people don't like rape and molestation stories. They're kinda depressing. Not even if it's part of a hilarious joke. But hey, women are stubborn.

If you haven't seen the movie yet, do it. It's well worth your time. It's almost hard to put into words how blown away I was by it. You hear it's kickass - a must see for all guys - but I assumed it was all hype. Like the G.I. Joe movie. That shit was terrible. We should have known when the studio wouldn't let anyone, even movie critics, view the film before it's release. Unlike G.I. Joe, Basic Instinct will live up to the hype.

When you actually do see Basic Instinct, because it is now a mandatory life goal for you, you're reaction will be something like, "HOLY SHIT! I think I just soiled myself." Sharon Stone is really fuckin hot, and you actually feel like you got to see her fuck for two hours. This is less of a shitty dime-a-dozen thriller and more of a well produced, high budget porno that somehow made it to the big screen - like Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild as Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell. It's so awesome it inspired my Basic Instinct Theory.

The goal of the theory is to determine which chicks are the hottest of the hot. There are a lot of women out there. Some look like the inside of my butt cheeks, others are as beautiful as a freshly poured beer. But beyond the simple every day beauties exists an elite society of unbelievably gorgeous women. Chicks that can't even be compared to beer. Women that force you to stop in your tracks they're so beautiful. When you see them, they stand out in a crowd like a black man at a Klan rally. They're so hot you don't bother trying to hide the fact you're slobbering over them - even if you're with your girlfriend.  You have no shot in hell of bagging one, short of a Quagmire Roofie Colada, and I'm confident they're members of a secret society of beautiful women.

But the women that cause such a reaction can differ for each man depending on testosterone levels, specific tastes, and how long it's been since they've gotten some pink taco. In an attempt to eliminate the variables, my way of separating the run of the mill attractive females, such as Hayden Panetterie, from members of the Beautiful Women's Club, is to put myself in the shoes of that dead son of a bitch at the beginning of Basic Instinct, Johnny Boz.

On the surface, you’d think Boz got the raw end of the deal. He was gruesomely murdered at his most vulnerable, right after the cum show, with a fuckin ice pick. From an extreme high to the lowest of the low. Not usually an ideal way to bite the dust.

But the situation is a catch-22. This guy is a former rock star in his late 30's. No family, except for a few illegitimate children, and a dwindling career. And because it's 1992 and celeb reality doesn't exist yet, he doesn't have the option to take the Bret Michaels Rock of Love path. Doesn't have much to look forward to in life beyond a steady decline and a more than likely drug induced suicide. But by some miracle of god, he’s managed to have been fuckin Sharon Stone for the past two years. Not the washed up, shriveled Sharon Stone of 2010, but the sexy, you’d step over your own mother just to touch her crotch, member of the Beautiful Women's Club, Sharon Stone of 1992.

And it’s not just regular, boring, sober sex. Stone isn't laying there takin it like a dead fish. It’s passionate, inspired, hardcore boning you’d see in a Vanessa Lane flick. Stone was down for anything (much like Vanessa Lane). They did blow off each other. Brought other hot chicks into the bedroom. She rode him like a fuckin atom bomb. All with a really fuckin sweet mirror above the bed so you could watch all the sex as it transpired. The only sexual act the movie didn't imply was anal, but I have to believe Boz was able to sneak it in there at least once. Maybe that's why she killed him.

(Again, that mirror was totally kickass. But I’d be cautious of it backfiring if I got really shitfaced and reverse raped by one Bowser of a Betty. Waking up, seeing what ugly creature is next to me in such a surreal way would scare the shit out of me. Oh, and in this case, you'd have to watch yourself die. That would kinda suck).

Boz got to enjoy sexual napalm for nearly two years before Stone decided to stop whacking him off and just whack him dead. Sure, most people don't want to die. And if they do, they probably don't want to be murdered brutally with an ice pick right after they blew their load inside a beautiful lady. But Boz lived two years of sexual ecstasy in its purest form with the lethal hot Sharon Stone. That's a deal I would make right now. Hands down.

That's how we can tell what women are the cream of the crop. I'm sure most men would love to nail Hayden Panetterie for a few years, but are they willing to sacrifice their life to do so? I'm not. She's not lethal hot. Maybe the supernerds that are infatuated with her character on Heroes would. But not most fellas.

Sharon Stone 1992, on the other hand? In a fuckin heartbeat. Men would conquer entire countries for the chance to slip their snake into her garden. That's the theory. For a chick as hot as Sharon Stone 1992, you’d ignore your best judgment and give into your basic instinct to fuck her harder than honorary gynecologist Mike Tyson punched in his prime. That was the message of the film, or maybe it's that women are the devil and should never be trusted.

Again, if you havn’t seen the movie, I demand you do. I’ve watched way too much porn over the years and was still obsessed with it for a week. Here's a tease as to why (wouldn't allow embedding for whatever reason. The site might get a boner and explode I guess).

What would be the female equivalent of this theory? The Boogie Nights Theory with Marky Mark Wahlberg? I'm told the answer is the romantic Mexican drama Y Tu Mama Tambien, but the entire movie is in subtitles and I don't speak Spanish. Which means I haven't and don't plan on seeing it. Word on the street is there's a lot of sex and jerking off in pools, but I can't enjoy the sexual promiscuity if there's strange gibberish going on in the background. Watch Basic Instinct instead.

Shout Out!

Love this shit. Literally made me laugh out loud when I saw it. Maybe if blockbuster actually delivered sexual services they wouldn't be on the verge of bancruptcy induced liquidation.

Thanks to Jon at Baby Bacon!